Somewhere along the way I had decided to make a film about domestic violence. Back in the 80s, my wife Jan and I had rescued two women and their children from violent husbands. Both times I put myself in harms way to help these women. Later I met a woman who was a police officer who also had been a victim of domestic violence.

In 1995 a close friend told me about his girlfriend in college and how much he loved her. He told me that one day she told him that she wanted to break up with him. He tried to convince her that they had so much in common and they liked the same things and he felt she loved him and he couldn’t understand what could be the reason. In tears she told him that her reason was because he didn’t really love her. He tried to convince her that he did. But she told him that he didn’t really love her because if he did he would beat her. Even though he really loved her, he knew it was wrong to beat her. He told her that she was right. He could never love anyone that much. I wondered why some people get the idea that beating them is a sign of how much we love them. Sounded like a big lie to me.

Sounded like a good reason to make a film.

Back then I started working on the film but could get no where. I approached some men’s groups that were dealing with the issue and they weren’t interested in discussing it. I talked to a victim who worked for a hospital and she didn’t trust me and didn’t return my calls. I understand today it was because I was a man. Really! Everything seemed to be a dead end - like it was some big secret that I couldn’t or shouldn’t talk about. Circumstances didn’t present themselves to get to the real story and the real solution. I made a commitment to myself a long time ago that if I couldn’t do a good job on a film, I wouldn’t do a film. I knew that a bad film could cause more harm that the good it could do. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause anyone harm so I waited until the opportunity presented itself. Besides I had so many other subjects to make films about that I didn’t have to force the issue.

So almost 10 years later, the opportunity finally presented itself. One day I heard about a very effective domestic violence program where an entire community was effectively dealing with the problem. It took over a year to produce but the finished film was worthwhile. I met with all the participants and interviewed them. This was a perfect example of how to deal with domestic violence.

In 2004, I released Secrets, Lies and Apologies. This film contained the stories of victims and perpetrators and they tell it all.  Abusers talk about how and why they became violent. Victims talk about the abuse they suffered, why they did not end the relationship and why they still love their batterers. A daughter explains how her father’s need for complete power and control has continued to affect her as an adult. Along with these compelling stories, this documentary details one Community’s unique approach to handling domestic violence cases.  Mandatory arrests for perpetrators and court-ordered education for both perpetrators and victims are explained by a judge, a sheriff, a court advocate, a probation officer, and a counselor. This film makes it clear that all of us are affected by domestic violence.  It is not just a victim’s problem.  The underlying message is that no one deserves emotional or physical abuse and the solutions must come from education.

I received an email from a man in Kenya named Amata Thomas. He was looking for some help educating the children of Kenya . His job was to go around and teach high school students about the dangers of drugs. He had heard about me from a nurse in Hawaii and she had spoken very highly of me. She told him that she had met me when I was teaching a Community Watch class in Alaska or some place like that as he put it.

He was very discouraged because it seemed like such a daunting task.  I told him about the starfish story about the man on the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean one at a time. I also told him about the bridge builder about the man who built a bridge for those who followed. He wrote me back and thanked me in a way that only Amata could thank me. I thought his use of English was charming and when he told me “It blew up my mind that you would write such a fable and help me.” It warmed my heart to help this man so far away who was working so hard to protect the children. He asked me if I would donate some videos on drug prevention to his organization to help him, I sent them off in a hurry. He received them and made it his mission to show the films to the high school children of Kenya . It seemed that they would all celebrate their graduation from high school by going out and using drugs and drinking. They didn’t know that they could celebrate without drinking or using drugs. He told me that the death rate was high with young people there because the literally didn’t know any better way to celebrate and that AIDS was also a huge killer. I was thrilled to help him in his cause. Later, he told me that the kids really got the message and that he felt we had made a big difference. That was the award I was looking for.

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