Today I drove my 20-year-old grandson to Ashland and dropped him of on the street and told him good luck. I told him there because he broke one of the few rules I have at my house and that he had to stay sober and not use drugs or drink. He chose to use rather than live with his grandmother and me.

His back story:

He has been getting in trouble since he was about 14 or 15 when he first vandalized someone's house and then by trying to steal gas from a country market. His story was that he was angry and lost control. For his actions, last year in December he went to jail. His aunt and uncle, my children bailed him our and suggested that he come to live with us and maybe we could help him get back on track. We wanted to help him get a life.

He got a good job at Safeway and things seemed to be working out but something happened. I don't know what. I don't know how. I just know that he wasn't the same any more. I went into his room and found beer and wine bottles. He had been smoking and putting the cigarettes out in the dresser drawers. I also found residuals for crank or crack or whatever it was. I was heart sick.

I knew, as a drug addict, he couldn't be trusted. I felt very uncomfortable with him staying there (in my own house). I told him that he couldn't stay with us any more.

I believe that he did well for about six months. But I guess temptation and/or hanging around the wrong people or whatever it was finally got the best of him or as it turns out got the worst of him.

So for the last six months or so he has been in and out of jail for a variety of crimes but mostly for possession and not appearing at court for the possession charges. His two drugs of choice are marijuana and MDMA (commonly referred to as Ecstasy or E) His last stay in the county jail was for about 90 days. We would visit him from time to time. I guess the reason was to let him know that there were still people in his family who still loved and cared about him. The last time I visited him in jail - about 10 days before he was to get out - I knew he wasn't ready. I knew that he hadn't been humbled enough or he still thought he had complete control over everything. I have been working around drug addicts and alcoholics to know that he wasn't ready to begin recovery. He didn't think anything was wrong with him. It was the rest of us that were messed up.

He got out a week ago and I told him that he could stay with us over the holidays and I would try to help him get a start. Yesterday he went to Ashland to pick up his back pack and personal items from the police department. They arrested him for failure to appear. It was a mix up because he was in jail when he was supposed to appear and somehow the county court failed to communicate with the Ashland court. They cut him loose this morning and he spent the day in Ashland.

When I got home Jan and I were both beat and told him to come with us to get something to eat. At the restaurant, I noticed that he was acting a little bit "too jovial" and out of character. He didn't know what jovial meant and i told him too happy. I asked him if his joviality was chemically induced. He said it was.

I knew that trying to talk with someone who knows everything is a wasted breath and I reminded him that he couldn't stay with us if he was using. He said he knew the rules but didn't understand why.

I then told him about all the people I know that had been sexually molested by drunken drug addicts - I didn't mention it but I thought of my little granddaughter who lives with us part time and my other little granddaughters who come and visit - I didn't want to take a chance - I know how people and especially when they are under the influence. I told him about the friends I had lost to overdoses and suicide and I told him about his uncle who had died because of a drunk driver and I asked him why he wondered why I felt the way I do about substance abuse. I remembered that he had left the burner on under the skillet the other day.

I made the rule and I am not sorry I did. I enforced the rule and I am not sorry I did even though it broke my heart. I told him that I would drive him to Ashland so he could be with his friends.

The drive through the fog was just like the time I drove my son Matt to the buss station to go live with his step father in Arizona. That was the last time I saw Matthew. I hope it isn't the last time I see him. It is heartbreaking. It was 31 degrees.

When my grandson was young he was a serious sufferer of ADHD. The school recommended that he be given Ritalin. I developed an attitude about it. My thinking is why don't they work with the children instead of drugging them down. When he came to see us, I would not give him the medication because he became very lethargic. The other day a drug treatment counselor and I talked about it. He told me that he believed giving children Ritalin and other drugs predisposed them for potential addictions. He felt there may be the reason we are having such an epidemic with meth.

I have also discovered through my research and discussions about drug abuse that most children who become addicted to drugs and or alcohol are using them as a form of self medication. Many of them told me drugs and alcohol made them feel normal.

I saw it in my grandson tonight.

The only advice I could give him tonight was to take care of himself. The same advice I gave to his uncle Matthew.

Tonight I will pray for my grandson. I guess there is nothing else I can do. He has to come to the realization that he wants something more.